something i wish i could tell my “old” friends is that i have changed a lot because of feminism. i’m talking about the friends that i knew before i basically had an epiphany about how all kinds of fucked up the world is, i wish i could just come out and tell them that i’m kind of really sure of myself and what i believe. but whenever i’m spending time with them and someone makes a harmful joke i just shut down and can’t do anything about it because i used to joke about it and they might not understand. i mean i need to give them more credit, they were always there when i needed them (see: target parking lot, bleeding profusely, more times than you would think) so why can’t i just tell them?
i’m afraid, i’m afraid, i’m so afraid. and i’m still afraid with the friends that i have now. i don’t want to ruin the good time when i’m with them because suddenly i’m triggered. i don’t want to have to explain triggers i don’t want to have to explain why i’m triggered i don’t want to talk about it i just want to be silent and exist within myself until it goes away and have another drink. i’m all kinds of don’t in those moments when every part of me is aching to tell them how i feel.
it’s just that for most of my life whenever i tried to say how i feel people laughed at me, told me i don’t matter, i’m just being “stupid” because i’m young/a girl/woman/whore/bitch/slut/crazy/whatever. but really all that means is i don’t want to listen to you, it’s too inconvenient for me to consider your experiences. i fucking know my friends aren’t inherently bad people, i know i know i fucking know, i like them. i like them a lot. so why didn’t i call him out on saturday? why didn’t i call every single one of them out for all of that shit in high school? when i went back to visit? why didn’t i do a thing?
it’s things like these that make me feel like i’m somehow a bad person for not standing up for what i believe in. it’s not that i’m unsure of my beliefs, not at all, it’s that i’m scared of how people will react. it’s an incredibly awkward situation but sometimes i can’t talk about how i feel. sometimes it will trigger me so badly just to hear people talk. i do what i can, but it’s never enough.
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celibate-slut said:
you are not alone!!! I can relate 110% girl. If you ever want to talk about anything, drop me a message <3
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ravenwatson liked this
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thepinkandthegreen said:
um i fucking get it. all of it.
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storminateacupx posted this
